Stockings up
Would anyone care to relieve me of a myriad quantity
of socks, some in absolutely new unworn condition, available in a range of
bright or dull colours, patterned or plain?
The bulk of them are paired but I have preserved a few odd ones for
winter wear in the house, where fashion is not a sartorial issue. A few have been darned but are offered as
outstanding examples of the craft workers’ art, seldom practised in our modern
throw away society. Having survived the
rigours and penury of the last great war I have a lifelong reluctance to
discard anything that might be of the slightest use. My National Service army woollen socks, which
shrunk on their very first trip to the Royal Norfolk’s laundry, have not been
preserved, although I still have the boots. I have short socks for utility wear, long ones
for climbing Alpine slopes and even some with keeping toes separated. The greatest tragedy will be to part with
the sporty white cycling socks that cock a snoot at the black fashion
introduced by Lance Armstrong, and look what’s happened to him.
The reason for this sorry day in my otherwise largely
carefree life has arisen from a small blemish on my right lower leg. As already described in an earlier account a South
African doctor at Kettering hospital
diagnosed poor circulation and prescribed stockings. About a week ago I went to the hospital for a
fitting. I bet not too many people know
of the NHS sock fitting service. Just
as well, it could bankrupt the organisation.
I turned up as requested at lunch time between official appointments and
was the only person still waiting when the nurse checked.
“Oh, it’s a man,” she said, surprised that this should
be so and causing me to think that maybe other men with leg skin problems keep
the knowledge to themselves. Ironically
it was only last year that I was threatened with these compression stockings
when I developed an ulcer on the same leg.
I then thought I had evaded this drastic life-changing situation. It does make things seem rather more bearable
in that the manufacturers do now describe this leg-wear as unisex socks. The fitting session went reasonably smoothly
and, satisfied that I could manage them on my own, the nurse released me with
my lower legs encased in tight knee length black socks. It was a relief to be told that I needn’t
wear them in bed. I could have had a
shade of brown, presumably to simulate a tan, but that struck me as being far
too old-lady and last of the summer winish.
I now have another delaying ritual to add to my
morning ablutions. Already there’s the
ointment for back irritation, easing of, which I apply back-handed with
contortional difficulty. With a skin
covering of moles, warts and other features akin to a relief map there’s no
surprise that I often experience an itching.
There is something undignified about a man in select company scratching
his back on a door jamb, rather like an old ram with scrapey. Although a ram would end up as scrag-end or
dog food once his usefulness as a procreator had expired this does not
fortunately apply to humans. I would
have been down the abattoir twenty years ago. Then there’s the foot ointment to
prevent dry cracked heels, probably developed in Australia to ease the problems of kangaroos jumping over
jagged rocks. Now I have the double base
moisturiser to apply to the legs before squeezing into the special socks. An hour in the bathroom is not unusual. Indeed, if one introduces after-shave,
deodorants and whatever, that room is steadily taking on the air of a
courtesan’s boudoir.
There are other pleasures I must give up for ever it
seems. I shall no longer be able to
clench my bare toes around a pair of comfortable flip-flops for summer
wear. Despite their potential for
causing serious trip-ups in the garden these economical items of casual
footwear have given me a romantic feeling of the bronzed athletic poolside
lifeguard I might have become, on Bondi Beach perhaps, going Australian
again. I shall probably have to discard
other stuff too, but the thought is just too depressing. Cue for violin backing.....